Chapter One
The parsley shall guide thee!

Once long ago there were forces that moved the world. Each of these forces was unseen by any human eye, until a mistake was made. The gods who moved the earth, controlled impulses, and even made dogs chase cars were given form. One of the gods, Ezira, fell in love with a mortal woman. Ezira did everything she could to stay with her human lover, in doing so she exposed the world to the once unseen gods.
Angered that they had made such a mistake, Eboros cast all of the gods down to earth in human form. These gods still had their powers, but they had to be careful when they let them out. Some didn’t have to let their powers out; they naturally influenced those around them. Ezira, for example, was Lust. She could walk by men, women, and animals and drive them all into lust filled frenzy. It was no surprise that her sister Zira was not far behind. Zira was the perfect counterpart to her sister, she was Sex.
But these tales are not about those two, these tales center on a less likely pair. That pair being Assamari and Orriko, two of the most unlikely friends, one the god of merchants, trade, and loan-sharks, the other the god of chefs, dinning, and the culinary arts. But these two do not have any great grand adventures; these two do not accomplish any great deeds, at least not compared to others. All too often people read of heroes saving children, or stopping a mugger, or even foiling a plot to take over the world. Assamari and Orriko are no such heroes, they are the least likely to have been heard about. Through bumbling, arguing, horseplay, tomfoolery, and even a bit of eating, does this pair accomplish anything, but what they do accomplish is for the benefit of others.
…
Leaning on a convince store wall was a tall oddly dressed gentleman. His hair was up on his head in what the Japanese call a “top Knot”. He stood some six feet tall and looked Japanese, or would have looked that way if he wasn’t as tall and white as a sheet. Out of the store came a tall rotund man spewing curses in Italian, French, and German. He glared at the taller man as he got closer. Cradled in the rotund man’s arms were several what looked to be cold sodas. “Whenever you are around I somehow manage to spend more and more.” The tall man grinned at the rotund man. “I would not be Assamari, God of merchants and trade, if people didn’t spend money when around me.” The rotund man glared at Assamari “Often I believe that you are the god of paupers and poorhouses. Now let’s go get something to eat.” Assamari grinned and let out a laugh “Are you sure you are not Orriko the ever hungry and not a god?” Orriko gave Assamari another dirty look “You know very well who I am. And you forget that when I'm hungry you are too!” Assamari scowled at Orriko “I know a nice Japanese restaurant just up the street.” It was Orriko’s turn to scowl. “Why is it always Japanese, and why do we always have to pay, or should I say why do I always have to pay?” Assamari pushed off the wall and began walking, he called back over his shoulder to Orriko “I’m the god of Merchants, I can’t keep money.” Orriko followed not bother to try and catch up.

         The odd pair slowly walked down the sidewalk, a trail of soda cans left in their wake. As the pair walked by a large grocery store a woman nearly ran them down as she left the store. Assamari barely stepped out of the way; Orriko on the other hand was not so quick. He ran right into the woman, knocking her down and scattering her groceries. Assamari helped the woman up while Orriko helped with the groceries. The woman quickly gathered her things from the pair and ran off to her car. Orriko ran after holding up a jar of parsley “Miss, Miss Wait you dropped your….” The sound of a car speeding away cut Orriko off. Assamari walked to his friend “What’s that in your hand?” Orriko looked to his friend “she dropped her parsley and left before I could return it.” Assamari grabbed the jar away and began to pace around. “We must return her spice; it is our duty as higher beings.” Orriko suddenly looked very ill. “Why do I get the feeling this is going to involve me losing a lot of cash?”

         Assamari began working an enchantment over the small jar of parsley ignoring Orriko altogether. Orriko looked over to him with a grimace on his face “What are you doing? And please don’t say you are giving another non-sentient object sentience.” Assamari grinned rather wide as the bottle began to glow. “I’m not giving another non-sentient object sentience; I’m asking the bottle directions to its owner.”
…
        Perhaps it is best to tell why Orriko did not want Assamari to work his magic over the bottle of parsley. After the gods had been banished to Earth and given a permanent form, Assamari gave an object life. Assamari gave a sword the power to speak, so that he might return it to its owner. Well the blade was lost to Assamari and Orriko and they were not sure weather the owner found it or not. It wasn’t until much later that the pair found the book about King Arthur and his sword Excalibur. The pair then knew what happened to the sword.
…
         Orriko stood glaring at his friend “Didn’t you learn anything last time? Whenever YOU give something life it blows up in MY face!” Assamari looked to his counterpart “This isn’t some smart-assed sword this is a spice, something you sprinkle on your steak.” Orriko walked off shaking his head with Assamari not far behind. The jar of parsley suddenly spoke. “If you hope to find my mistress then you will have to procure a new method of transportation along with new outerwear.” Orriko got a grim look on his face “How did I know that I would spend money on this, this, I don’t know what to call what we are about to do.” Assamari caught up to his friend and the two walked off in the direction of a strip mall.
When the pair entered the mall, everyone began to stare Assamari and Orriko went to one of the larger stores. Assamari looked to everyone inside studying what they were wearing and how they wore it. Then walked to one of the racks and began to pull out items. Orriko walked up and surveyed they items, then proceeded to have a massive stress related heart attack. “No, no, no, put it all back, this stuff costs way too much. We need something cheaper.” Assamari looked like a fish out of water as Orriko drug him out of the store. Orriko spotted a thrift store and began to pick out clothing. “Try this on and get rid of that top knot nobody wears their hair like that anymore.” Assamari pouted at Orriko then walked into the changing room. He walked out with shorter semi-curly hair, rectangular framed glasses, and a white button down short sleeve shirt, baggy blue jeans, and several wallet chains. “Well do I look inconspicuous?” Orriko shook his head then walked past Assamari into the changing room. He stepped out in a blue short sleeve t-shirt, blue jean shorts, his hair was cut short and all his facial hair was gone.

          An hour later both walked out of the store and down the street looking like a pair of teenagers. The jar of parsley spoke again “You have the clothing but you still need to procure a more modern mode of transportation. My mistress lives too far away and walking would not be prudent.” Orriko grimaced again; Assamari slapped him on the back. “Come we must do this, think about it. If we return this we will no longer be the laughing stocks of all the other gods. We will be heroes.” Orriko grimaced again. “This is going to cost more money, more money I don’t have because of you Ass.”
…
          Again it should be prudent to pause again and explain why, as a god, Orriko does not have a great amount of money. Before Assamari had advised Orriko to invest quite a bit of money in the stock market. As the god of trade this wasn’t just advice but a compulsion of sorts. As most know the stock market is not the best place to risk a lot of money. The company that Assamari advised Orriko to invest in was known as Enron. Most know what happened to Enron and the investor’s money. Orriko was still quite upset about that.
…
          Orriko sat staring at the car salesman, his jaw practically hanging above the ground. Assamari sat talking just as fast as the salesman if not faster. Orriko slammed his hand down on the table. “I don’t care what options, gizmos, and whatever else you said it has! I just want to know how much it costs!” Assamari and the salesman both looked as if Orriko had just said he slept with both their wives, if Assamari had one. After a few seconds the salesman spoke “Its just $15,000 with payments of five hundred a month.” Orriko violently grabbed Assamari by the collar and drug him out of the dealership, much like he had drug him out of the clothing store.

          Walking by a newspaper stand Orriko grabbed a paper and began to look around the paper’s classifieds for something quite a bit cheaper. With a grin Orriko drug Assamari down the street to the most run down looking used car dealership in the entire known universe. Assamari looked around “what kind of junk is sold here? This stuff doesn’t look fit to make plates or forks out of.” Orriko grinned. “The cheap kind, the stuff that I can afford.” Twenty minutes later Assamari drove off in a small red used sports car.

         Assamari looked over at Orriko who had the most smug look on his face as he drove. The jar of parsley sat on the dashboard singing along to the radio “when this is all over I’m so going to kick your cheap ass.” Orriko grinned. “It’s not MY fault I’m cheap. If a certain person had not made me invest in a certain company then maybe I would have more money… Ass!” Assamari looked over at Orriko with hate filled eyes. “How many times must I tell you my name is Assamari not Ass! It’s Assamari, ASS-A-MA-RI! Orri, orri, oh blow me!” Orriko sat and snickered. The jar of parsley suddenly stopped singing. “Turn here.” Orriko blinked then pulled a sharp left turn. Assamari, not wearing his seatbelt, was flung around the car.  He glared at the bottle “Next time give us a bit more warning!” The bottle didn’t say a word but the label had a smug, satisfied sort of look about it.

         The road seemed to go on and on as Assamari and Orriko drove through the countryside. The radio station that Assamari had been listening to suddenly blasted the most god awful country twang. Both looked down at the radio “What in all of the hells is this? This isn’t music, this is torture.” Orriko shrugged. “I don’t know it sounds nice to me.” Assamari glared at his friend. “Of course you would like it, you like everything I don’t like.” Orriko shook his head “Not true. You and I both agree that Ezira and her sister are nasty whores.” Assamari laughed. “Yes they are, but you get some of the most fun women when those two walk through a party. I remember this one time when they were at this party, I wish I could remember where it was. But I tell you as soon as they walked through, nobody had clothes on.” Orriko looked over to his friend and shook his head “On second thought, YOU are the nasty whore.” Assamari looked over at his friend “I’m not a whore, Whores get paid for sex, I just have sex because I like it that makes me a slut.” Orriko looked to his friend then gave him the finger.

           The mismatched duo drove on for a few more miles before Orriko looked over at his friend “I’m hungry.” Assamari looked over to his friend “you are always hungry, when are you not hungry. For crying out loud you are the god of eating, dining, and the culinary arts YOU are always hungry.” Orriko laughed a bit then gave Assamari a deadly serious look. “I’m hungry, I’m driving, WE are eating.” The jar of parsley gave a little laugh; Assamari threw the jar in the back seat. Orriko drove for a few more miles before he spotted a small dinner, one of those dinners like you see in those movies from the 50’s. The pair stopped out in front of the dinner and walked in. The pair sat down in a booth next to an odd pair. One looked to be having the worst day of his life, while the other seemed to be happy just sitting with the man.

           One of the waitresses brought Assamari and Orriko a glass of water and a menu then walked off. The waitress for the table behind them brought them a big plate of cheese fries. Orriko drooled as the plate passed by then signaled to the waitress. She smiled at the pair “So what’ll it be Hun?” Orriko not even waiting for his friend to say anything began to order “I’ll have two orders of the cheese fries, one turkey club, one tuna melt, one hamburger, three shakes, and an apple pie.” The waitress blinked a bit then looked to Assamari “He has a glandular problem, but anyway I’ll just have a coke, a small order of fries, and a cheeseburger.” The waitress gave them a smile then yelled their order out to the cook; he blinked then looked over at Orriko. A few minutes later the waitress, along with a second, brought Assamari and Orriko their food. The pair behind them suddenly was not sitting there anymore. Assamari cocked an eyebrow at this fact while Orriko stuffed a handful of fries in his mouth.

          Assamari looked around at the dinner’s patrons taking time to study each one before looking over at his companion “Have you noticed that we seem to blend in regardless of our mannerisms and YOUR eating habits.” Orriko glanced up from his tuna melt and shrugged “I guess that’s a good thing? But tell me again why are we following a talking jar of parsley?” Assamari looked to his companion “Don’t tell me you forgot already. We are doing this so that we might become great heroes. You know things legends are made of. Things that parents will be telling their children…” Orriko cut in “Oh yes I can just hear that tale “mother tell me the story of the bumbling gods who gave a woman back her parsley’ Yes that tale will be retold throughout the ages.” Assamari scowled at his friend and threw a handful of napkins at him. “You imbecile, WE are higher beings, you know HIGHER BEINGS. This means we are bound to help this woman get her parsley back.” Orriko shook his head again “I still think this is the worst idea you have had in a long time.” Assamari shot Orriko another dirty look “No, this is not my worst idea, my worst idea was convincing that movie studio to buy that third comic book script.”

            After yelling at each other and finishing what turned out to be a two hundred dollar lunch, the pair stepped out of the dinner and got back on the road. The parsley spoke again “My mistress lives just beyond the next three towns.” Orriko breathed a massive sigh of relief. “Good then that means we can give you back and be done with this, whatever it is we are on.” Assamari, who had been rooting through the glove-box for a map spoke up “We are on an adventure. You know a quest.” Orriko shook his head “This is more like a misadventure rather than an adventure.” Assamari coughed then pulled the map free. “Well it looks like we just take this road here and…” Assamari got cut off when Orriko slammed on the breaks of the car. The road had ended and was under construction. Orriko looked to his friend “what do we do now?” Assamari consulted the map “This is the only road. There are no others.” Orriko looked out in front of him and saw the six different roads that joined to the one they were on. “No you bumbling fool, there are at least six different routs we can take.” Assamari shook his fist at Orriko. “Read the map, it says that the road we are on is the only road you can take to get to where it is we need to go.” Orriko violently jerked the map out of Assamari’s hands then began to go over it. With a scowl on his face he turned to Assamari “you dolt, this map is over twenty years old. That’s why these NEW roads don’t show up.” Assamari looked over the map then looked to the roads “Well then I guess we are lost.” Orriko looked to the bottle of parsley. “Where do we go now you talking jar of green annoyance.” The jar spun around in the cup holder it had been sitting in then spoke. “You must take a left here.”

            Assamari and Orriko followed the directions of the bottle of parsley for miles before they ended up at a run down gas station. Orriko looked down at the bottle “your mistress lives in a beat up gas station?” the bottle shook its cap like a person shaking their head no. “No she does not live here, but your car is about out of petroleum distillate. It would be wise to fill it back up.” Orriko looked to the gas gauge on the car then to the bottle “I don’t want to know how you knew that.” Assamari got out and walked into the station while Orriko filled the car up. The elderly couple who ran the store smiled at Assamari. After a few minutes Orriko walked in and found Assamari “if you say you are hungry or thirsty or anything, I will hit you” Assamari smirked devilishly then looked to Orriko “I’m thirsty.” Orriko screamed then hit his friend. The elderly couple looked shocked as Orriko drug an unconscious Assamari out of the store. Orriko ran back to pay for the gas then drove off.
Countryside flew by as the pair drove along in silence. The silence was partly due to the fact that Assamari was rubbing his sore jaw and that the radio had gone out after the gas station. The jar of parsley spoke up “My mistress lives down the next street third house on the left.” Orriko breathed a massive sigh of relief “Finally this can all be over and we can be rid of the talking jar of parsley” The jar gave what could only be interpreted as a snort, Assamari chuckled a bit.

           Orriko drove like a bat out of hell and spun into the driveway of what the jar called its mistress house. The house was nice, one of those suburban homes from the fifties. Every other house on the block mirrored the next and the pair was not sure if the jar was correct. At least not until a car sped into the driveway and almost knocked Orriko to the ground. A woman stepped out of the car and looked at the pair “This is the second time I have seen you two. Are you stalking me or something?” Orriko looked puzzled while Assamari straightened his shirt “I am Assamari and this is Orriko, we have come to return you your lost spice.” With those words Assamari held up the bottle of parsley. The woman cocked an eyebrow. “I wondered what happened to that. You know I had to drive all the way back to that market just to get more. Do you know how much gas costs?” Orriko piped up “Yes, way to damn much to be following the orders of a stupid, stuck up jar of parsley.” The woman looked over at Orriko “did you say talking? Wait are you two who I think you two are?” Assamari tried to look innocent “Who do you think we are?” The woman laughed then walked to the house “I think you know my boyfriend” Assamari and Orriko both shot each other odd glances. The woman turned and looked at the pair “well are you coming in or not?”
The inside of the house was oddly decorated with a mix of modern and medieval. Orriko pointed to a picture of the woman and a very tall ruggedly handsome man. “Ass, look its Eeribos.” Assamari glared at his friend then looked at the picture “What in the hells?” the woman walked back in the room and laughed “I knew it; you two are the ones he keeps talking about. Assamari and Orriko the two bumbling dunderheads.” Assamari and Orriko looked like she had stabbed them in the heart. “We are not dunderheads, misfits, outcasts, and fools, but not…” A loud booming voice cut Assamari off. “You both are dunderheads, kind dunderheads, but dunderheads none the less.” Assamari stood slack jawed. The voice belonged to Eeribos, the god of all gods. Assamari and Orriko stood aghast at the sight before them. The god of all gods was standing with his arm around a moral human woman. Assamari blinked. “Sir, I don’t mean to be rude but um, what are you doing here?” Eeribos let out a booming laugh “What does it look like fool? This is my wife, my lover, my squeeze, you should know that much.” Assamari blinked then looked over the woman. “But all that aside, you think we can get some kind of reward now? We did do a good deed, a great deed you might say.” Eeribos looked at Assamari then grabbed him by the collar “I should turn you into a penguin right now for all the stupid dunderheaded things you have done.” The woman laughed “Dear your temper. They did return my parsley you should go easy on the two. “Eeribos looked to the two then to the woman. “Well then I guess I can let them off the hook, BUT if either of them tells anyone anything about this they WILL be turned into penguins.” Assamari and Orriko looked to each other nodded then ran out of the house, down the driveway, and leapt into the little car.

             After a long uncomfortable pause, Assamari looked over at his friend. “So, what do we do now?” Orriko shrugged and stepped on the gas.





Stay Tuned for more misadventures……Thanks we know it took a lot for you to read that. We are sorry.